What Makes You Think I Owe You?

I was reading, Shade’s blog – he is a secondary school teacher with excellent sleight of hand skills in magic, particularly with playing cards. He wrote a pertinent piece about how young magicians would approach him and insist (if not demand) that he teach them magic methods. I agreed with his observation that these neophytes have little respect for the Art, for I think people have reduced their respect for other people’s time and expertise.

I call this the ‘You owe me’ mindset.

What makes us ‘owe’ you? Isn’t that about obligation? When somebody says ‘much obliged’, it has a different meaning to ‘obligated to you’. Do we need to be obligated to anyone? What about the notions of ‘paying back what I owe you’ and ‘paying the debt’? Why should it be ‘you owe me’?

The attitude employed by those with differing values – mainly, obligation – owes itself to the fact that the perpetrators of obligation have a reciprocal, but imbalanced approach to returning the favour. It is the ‘I help, but you owe me, and need to pack me back in full, and then some’ mindset that rattles the chains of generous persons. Generosity of spirit is about one’s willingness to assist without thought of reciprocity otherwise, generosity has an ulterior motive.

In Guy Kawasaki’s ‘Enchantment’, he suggested that when the Law of Reciprocity (as studied by Robert B. Cialdini, PhD) is applied, no expectation should be considered. If you expect something in return for helping somebody, then it is not true helpfulness or generosity.

Another angle of this ‘con’ is that ‘I am in the know’ therefore you should share. In our magic clubs, this mindset prevails and amateur magicians who have not spent time in the trenches believe that those who came before them are obligated to share everything of value to them – such as secrets. I find this annoying and useless for little is to be gained when information is freely dished about. Unless you pay for something, you won’t fully appreciate its true value.

The same goes for ‘coaches’ who willingly share their skills and applied experience with new endurance athletes. Educators (including coaches and mentors) do not expect anything in the way of payment, but are amply rewarded when students learn and fully apply themselves to building their potential. Teach, or hoard knowledge – there are no two ways to this deal. Dubious teachers will exploit knowledge and information which is not theirs to give. Their claims of expertise and professionalism will implode when their values surface to reveal their true selves. Mind you, it would be nice to reciprocate for these generous teachers and coaches however you do it out of the goodness of your heart. Parasites die when they over-feast on their hosts.

In the professional world, such unfair leverages exist. Arms are twisted into submission because assistance is seen as a ploy, leverage point, pressure point, and the creation of strategic relationships. It all boils down to one’s values. What do you stand for? What do you value in your relationships?  Do you give more than you take?

How about moving from ‘owe’ to ‘give’? Give willingly, or not. If it is not yours to take, stop asking for it!